30 Years & Dinosaurs
It all started with a dinosaur. I am sure there were rumblings of change in my life before the dinosaur, but that’s where I mark the moment. It’s funny how that works isn’t it? We all can sort of mark the moments of change in our lives with some kind of anchor. It can be an event or a person or just a single “normal” moment that we look back on and say, “That was it. That was the minute I became a new person.”
If you’re wondering why I’m going back through this I’ll have to say it’s because I’m turning 30 next week. Turning 30 wasn’t something I ever expected to rock my boat. But real life you guys, I am rocked. And shopping in the anti-aging aisle of my local drug store. So. Many. Serums.
2018 has been a momentous year in a lot of ways for me personally. I celebrated 5 years of marriage. Deepend a beautiful friendship I never saw coming. Celebrated 6 years at my current job. Opened myself up more fully to spirituality. It’s been a good one, but a transformational one.
This week I was in bed with my husband and weeping over how 30 is here and I have nothing to show for it. I’m not anyone important, I’ve not changed massive amounts of lives for the better. I’m not in shape, or particularly attractive. I was lamenting it all. How could I let myself do nothing but be insignificant and mediocre? I sobbed harder.
He squished me tightly as he said, “What about your writing? What about your being honest about your spirituality and your journey? That’s huge. The world needs that.” I squished him back and felt a new part of myself open up. You see, I have been in this on again, off again relationship with sharing myself for about 3 years. Not like the cute self, but the real self. I’ve made videos about the changes in my life, and then deleted them. I’ve written a few posts about my personal journey, but only in the pretty language that I felt was rated G enough to not rock anyone’s boat too much. Particularly the anyones who used to know me. For me “used to know me” refers back to the girl who followed after fundamentalism in search of what my spiritual teachers, parents and peers told me I would find in it. That’s not the current me, and the current me gets real nervous about telling the point-blank truth about what that means.
So wtf does this have to do with a dinosaur? Well, first dinosaurs are a favorite. Like, I love them. (Did you see that most recent Jurassic? Sobbed the whole way through. No shame here.) Second, in 2013 I was standing in The Museum of The Rockies beside my husband and we were both reading a plaque that explained the Triceratops on display in front of us. It dated the dinosaur’s time on earth and this was the moment. The moment was a rush of my remembering how my parents would scoff at the dates in museums if the dates didn’t fit their young earth 7 day creationism world view. At the time when I observed and learned from them to do that, I remember thinking how foolish the rest of the world was, and how smart we were. I’m humiliated in remembering it now, and that first flush of humiliation and doubt culminated in a moment of bravery. That moment of bravery looked like me turning to Jordan and pointing at the plaque and saying, “I believe that date.” I honestly don’t remember his response but I do remember his acceptance of this declaration. So I plucked up some more courage and said, “I believe that date and I don’t believe the earth is young.” (One day I’ll write about why that was such a difficult declaration, but for right now assume it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever said.)
So here we are 5 years later and on the doorstep of 30. It’s time to take my serums and my little crisis and march up the steps and into that door. I want to be real, and commit to it. I want to tell my story and commit to it. No holds barred, no more censoring. I don’t have time for it anymore. Life is short, and I don’t want to wake up 30 years late with the same sobs over insignificance. I feel strongly that the Triceratops would think this is a good plan, and her approval is empowering enough for me.