Meditation : Building Gratitude
5 years ago I had a mental breakdown. It was something that had been building since birth, but as we all know, you don’t know what you don’t know until you know. I didn’t know I needed to fall apart and be put back together again, but that’s exactly what I needed. Today I can say I am grateful, but being in the middle of it didn’t render me very grateful.
Gratitude is like a muscle, and mine atrophied during my mental health crisis. I felt completely overwhelmed by my failures, my struggles, my fears and the darkness I perceived to be enveloping my world. Seeing only the black and white nature of my life brought me to my knees.
I’ve found when you’re in places like I was you go back to the few things that brought you some peace. One of those things for me was yoga. I took my first yoga class in college for ‘an easy credit.’ First off, it wasn’t easy. Second, it was amazing. I didn’t blow it off once.
During the class we spent 5 minutes in silent meditation. 5 minutes of focusing on each breath in, each breath out and something you’re grateful for. Just one thing was all it took for the 5 minutes to be a mental focus exercise that required you to identify some goodness. It was good. Very good. Good for an absent minded college kid who came to a class intending to not take it seriously and years later I came back to the exercise in a moment when I needed it most.
Meditation became a daily part of life during my crisis. Every morning I’d wake up early, go upstairs to our guest bedroom and sit on a $10 yoga mat. At first it was a lot of crying, and a lot of frustration. Then those college class mental exercises came back to me and I chose to sit down to think of one thing to be grateful for. Some days it was just being a live. ‘I am grateful I am not dead.’ Then it expanded. Through that expansion I was also able to expand my outlook. That’s the power of meditation. It expands us and deepens what we are grateful for. We can appreciate, see, breathe and feel with gratitude.
“The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.”
—Dalai Lama
30 Years & Dinosaurs
It all started with a dinosaur. I am sure there were rumblings of change in my life before the dinosaur, but that’s where I mark the moment. It’s funny how that works isn’t it? We all can sort of mark the moments of change in our lives with some kind of anchor. It can be an event or a person or just a single “normal” moment that we look back on and say, “That was it. That was the minute I became a new person.”
If you’re wondering why I’m going back through this I’ll have to say it’s because I’m turning 30 next week. Turning 30 wasn’t something I ever expected to rock my boat. But real life you guys, I am rocked. And shopping in the anti-aging aisle of my local drug store. So. Many. Serums.
2018 has been a momentous year in a lot of ways for me personally. I celebrated 5 years of marriage. Deepend a beautiful friendship I never saw coming. Celebrated 6 years at my current job. Opened myself up more fully to spirituality. It’s been a good one, but a transformational one.
This week I was in bed with my husband and weeping over how 30 is here and I have nothing to show for it. I’m not anyone important, I’ve not changed massive amounts of lives for the better. I’m not in shape, or particularly attractive. I was lamenting it all. How could I let myself do nothing but be insignificant and mediocre? I sobbed harder.
He squished me tightly as he said, “What about your writing? What about your being honest about your spirituality and your journey? That’s huge. The world needs that.” I squished him back and felt a new part of myself open up. You see, I have been in this on again, off again relationship with sharing myself for about 3 years. Not like the cute self, but the real self. I’ve made videos about the changes in my life, and then deleted them. I’ve written a few posts about my personal journey, but only in the pretty language that I felt was rated G enough to not rock anyone’s boat too much. Particularly the anyones who used to know me. For me “used to know me” refers back to the girl who followed after fundamentalism in search of what my spiritual teachers, parents and peers told me I would find in it. That’s not the current me, and the current me gets real nervous about telling the point-blank truth about what that means.
So wtf does this have to do with a dinosaur? Well, first dinosaurs are a favorite. Like, I love them. (Did you see that most recent Jurassic? Sobbed the whole way through. No shame here.) Second, in 2013 I was standing in The Museum of The Rockies beside my husband and we were both reading a plaque that explained the Triceratops on display in front of us. It dated the dinosaur’s time on earth and this was the moment. The moment was a rush of my remembering how my parents would scoff at the dates in museums if the dates didn’t fit their young earth 7 day creationism world view. At the time when I observed and learned from them to do that, I remember thinking how foolish the rest of the world was, and how smart we were. I’m humiliated in remembering it now, and that first flush of humiliation and doubt culminated in a moment of bravery. That moment of bravery looked like me turning to Jordan and pointing at the plaque and saying, “I believe that date.” I honestly don’t remember his response but I do remember his acceptance of this declaration. So I plucked up some more courage and said, “I believe that date and I don’t believe the earth is young.” (One day I’ll write about why that was such a difficult declaration, but for right now assume it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever said.)
So here we are 5 years later and on the doorstep of 30. It’s time to take my serums and my little crisis and march up the steps and into that door. I want to be real, and commit to it. I want to tell my story and commit to it. No holds barred, no more censoring. I don’t have time for it anymore. Life is short, and I don’t want to wake up 30 years late with the same sobs over insignificance. I feel strongly that the Triceratops would think this is a good plan, and her approval is empowering enough for me.
Home Fear
On a Sunday in February our house was broken into. It's not something that has ever happened here, or anywhere I've ever lived. I've lived alone, with roommates, with my parents and at no point in my life was I ever afraid of someone breaking in to take my things. Processing this experience has been a challenge.
At first it was shock. How could this happen? What do we do now? How do you talk to the police while your dirty ransacked home is surrounding his feet and your belongings have vanished?
Then there was anger. Are you KIDDING me? Just... why and don't, and wtf? Jump in a lake, people. Just jump. in. a. lake.
Then the fear settled in. Honestly, fear has been moving in for a long term stay. We installed cameras, and when the thieves came back to finish what they'd started, we caught them on camera. Round 2 with the police, and I was trembling. Later that night, a larger group would come back, but were scared away. Why? Stop. If you want my things, just take them and let me sleep.
Shock, anger and fear lingered. Fear lingers still. Yet there is something more powerful and strengthening than the fear. People. Loving people. Sweet, kind and compassionate people came to help us feel safe until the police arrived, provided help in replacing what was stolen. Text messages, phone calls, presence came into the fear space and even though I feel a chill down my spine each time The Tree House creaks... I know that these people are here, winning back my belief in the goodness of humanity and the strength of love.
To all who have been with us through this, I love you. To those who stole... just ask. I'll give you whatever I have to help you get where you think you need to be. In the meantime, we will sleep and rest and reclaim our space. Love lives here.
Don't Justify Your Creativity
When I first started painting regularly about 3 years ago, I was incredibly nervous about it. Painting hadn’t been my “thing” or at least my out in the open thing. I’d always loved art and dabbled in painting quietly, but my well known thing was photography. I loved photography, and found I was good at it. Yet even in photography I always felt like I wasn’t that good. Never good enough.
Along comes painting, and that feeling intensifies. I recall sharing with a college friend that I’d once been close with that painting had become something I was doing, and she commented she was surprised to hear it. “I never knew painting was a thing you did.” It felt like I was having to justify this creative avenue, and I kept feeling that need to justify. Many times it was outright crippling.
Jenna Fischer talks about this feeling of needing to justify your art and space in the world. In a conversation with Sam Jones on The Off Camera Show, she explains how to respond to that feeling. In her statements she offers the thought that bringing our art to the table isn’t just ok, but something the world needs. The world always needs more art and more creativity.
In that spirit, I’ll be over here making things. Even if what I make isn’t something people knew about or expected from me.
Book Report
Here is what I am calling my "Book Report!" There are 5 total (listed below), and I am thrilled to be sharing my thoughts and excitement about each of them. They each relate to the areas that I focus on here in this channel – religion, spirituality, mental health and wholeness.
- Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived by Rob Bell
- What Is the Bible?: How an Ancient Library of Poems, Letters, and Stories Can Transform the Way You Think and Feel About Everything by Rob Bell
- Overcoming Trauma through Yoga: Reclaiming Your Body by David Emerson
- The Mindful Diet: How to Transform Your Relationship with Food for Lasting Weight Loss and Vibrant Health by Ruth Wolever, Beth Reardon & Tania Hannan
- Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 20th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health by Toni Weschler
On The Vision Board
“Do not relativize your pain.”
Deal with it as it is, with honesty and an inward focus. Seeing your struggle in light of someone else's is significant, but seeing it in comparison to another's is not. We aren't here to compare wounds or issues. We're here to relate and comfort one another through them. Your pain is significant because it is there in your life to be dealt with and healed. It is not there as source of shame because it lacks comparative detriment. Sort it out, be honest about it and allow it to heal.
Unapologetic: Where Am I Now?
Within my last post in August of 2016 I stated I wanted to become more open about my beliefs. Well, as indicated by that being the last time I wrote here, you can guess I had a bit more to figure out than I anticipated. Who thought figuring out your personal beliefs, faiths, ideas, moral foundation and concepts of the spiritual realm could be so difficult? Collective eye-rolls all around. I know, I know. But really, it's been tough.
Yesterday was Easter, and the pinnacle of the high-holidays of Christianity. In the spirit of yesterday's celebration and finding out what I believe, here's the best I have so far (see image above). The liturgy of yesterday's service summed it up for me (thank you, All Souls). I can honestly say that I believe Jesus was an embodiment of God who came to bring unity and love to a world that was shredded by centuries of non-unity. His words still stand the test of time when represented overall with the intention of love and peace.
This is a single moment in time. As I said before our beliefs can and should change over time. I may re-read this in a year and see a fatal flaw or even just a small divergence from the path I'm on then, but for now this is where I stand –
He is among us: the one who gave sight to the blind and insight to the close minded...
Unapologetic
Me (taken by a friend), week of college graduation - Spring, 2010.
Recently I had a fairly difficult conversation. Looking back on it now, I had a chance to avoid it and not really... "take the bait," for lack of better terminology. You see, I am fairly adept at avoiding topics that could cause friction. I have a mental list of topics to avoid that I review before visiting family and certain language to not use when I see particular friends. Don't mention politics, global warming, gay marriage, the state of the economy, the Black Lives Matter movement, the inerrancy of Biblical Scripture... Really, I could go on and on. It's been that way as long as I can recall.
In college I watched friends with bold beliefs and feelings declare them proudly. Madly in love with someone, their art would proclaim their feelings. Shouting acceptance of any lifestyle or persuasion or creed, they would share their thoughts and beliefs openly. More than a few times I envied their bravery. They never made me afraid, but I was afraid of my own uncertainty. While they were declaring what they were learning or had learned about the world, I was questioning everything I had believed. I was raised with some essential, world-view cementing beliefs. For instance, the world is at max 6,000 years old, according to Young Earth Creationists. And in my education and the worldview I had been taught, that was a hill to die on when it came to hearing out other perspectives or scientific data. I went to college and internally scoffed at my freshman biology professor for explaining the actual age of our planet. Im not proud of it. I'd even call my parents and talk about how I was being "fed lies." What I wish I had done was be a little more open minded and a little less of a jerk. But in Meagan's mind at that time, the earth was young, God made man to want only women, and having babies is a definitive requirement of marriage.
So, let's go back to that difficult conversation I mentioned (and I do promise this is all going somewhere). That conversation was one of the first times in my life that I didn't stop myself from being honest about my beliefs and thoughts. That new level of honesty was hard, and made more painful, complex by the fact that I was expressing directly to the people who had essentially given me that worldview that I'd once held so piously sacred– My parents. I've rarely gone to my parents and purposefully contradicted the beliefs we once shared, and even gone to fairly extreme measures to avoid possible situations that would bring those beliefs up. Yet that day, at that time, during that difficult conversation, on that phone call I had that conversation. The conversation that came to the point of passionate disagreement and their voices getting louder, and louder on the other end of the line. I knew I could have avoided it, and I knew that I could just stop talking. Silence is a big ally in keeping the illusion of peace intact. But on that day, I decided not to be silent.
What I shared with them wasn't all that "out there" or in contradiction to what they hold sacred. In fact, what I said I thought was fairly tame for what I hold sacred in my life. Perhaps it was tame, but nonetheless it was not well accepted. The conversation went south. I held my own. I was respectful. I began to tear up, and felt the reigns on my emotions slip. So, I quietly told them how disappointed I was at their at response, that I loved them and I hung up. It wasn't at all a moment in my life I particularly want to re-live or repeat, but I felt proud of myself. Proud that I wasn't silent, didn't avoid and was finally honest about some aspect of my set of beliefs that I know to be right. Not unmovable, not inflexible, not rigid, but right. What we learn today changes how we live tomorrow. It doesn't mean we were wrong yesterday, but it does mean we have new knowledge to be responsible for. We don't have to apologize. We can unapologetically grow our beliefs and our thoughts as we move through life. Dare I say we should do that?
The title of this bit of writing is "Unapologetic." I plan on writing more on this topic where I unapologetically explain my beliefs and perspective on some specifics that I really hold dear. To be honest, I am nervous to do so because there is so much I don't know, haven't learned and haven't touched first hand. With that caveat, I think it is time for me to stop being silent, if for no other reason than to feel that sense of letting go of an illusion.
Five Things - 2nd Edition
This week's Five Things come to you from a week of pre-vacation prep, time in Nashville, and excellent friends.
1. Have a fancy dinner. folks. This week I spent some time in my old home town of Nashville for some work meetings. Our team dined out at Sinema, and enjoyed good laughs. If you're ever in Nashville, try it out.
2. Back in Knoxville, we attended WDVX's Blue Plate Special to see friends featured (Mayday Malone Band). It was a great time, and honestly a cool vibe to be in a live audience scenario.
3. When you and a friend decide to get a meaningful tattoo together, I say go for it. Every time. Particularly when you're in Nashville on a Friday after work. I have two with two of my closest friends (her and her), and both came from this place. They're fantastic people, running a tight ship and producing some gorgeous art.
4. Monday I hop on a plane to head off on a ten day vacation in the PNW. I've never actually taken this long of a vacation from work, and while my husband will be most likely wrenching my phone from my hand to prevent me from checking email, I do actually intend on contributing to our relaxation time as much as possible. Wish me luck!
5. Finally, let's wrap up this week with a nice beer and cheers our way through to vacation. I'll be having a Downtown Blonde Ale at the Grill and Brewery if you need me.