Three Months
The last 3 months of 2015 were the hardest I have ever encountered in my independent, married, adult life. There were tough times in my childhood that are comparable (which of course fed into these 3 very difficult months, because that's how this kind of thing works), but nothing in my life has ever pushed me to the bottom of a pit like October - December of 2015. Tough times, folks. It wasn't pretty.
When the cracks in my personally constructed exterior began to expand, I decided within myself (in a very me sort of way) that if I was going to shatter, then I was going to do it completely. That is who I am; all or nothing. It was time to shatter the walls of my glass container – the one that allowed people to see a shiny me, but never get close. I opened my heart, and my mind and finally, my mouth. I spoke, and listened and cried and begged. I begged for mercy. I begged for death. I begged for love. I begged for peace, and then for more death. In those three months of self-inflicted brutality, I learned a few things. I saw myself, and the patterns of my life for what they were. When I did, I went through the phases of passing my own judgement, handing down my death sentence and then... accepting grace. Grace from others, and myself and from God.
This time in my life is not over, but it is transforming. Transforming. Transformation is the pattern that life follows, and the universe reminds us of each day. Night to morning. Evening to night. It is a cycle of transformation that continues around us and in us in such a way that we should never expect anything less from each minute, and day, and year. Each moment is about transformation. I can't say that I came to this conclusion with bright eyes and a full heart. It came through a process. A process of transformation. Here's some of the things that led to, and came with that process -
1. When you see yourself and you know it is not who you should be, you can walk away from it. You should walk away from it.
"Just because people know you a certain way doesn't mean you can't move forward or change or risk something new. That is not hypocrisy. It's growth"
- Jen Hatmaker
I am allowed to change. You are allowed to change. You don't have to stay in that place you're in, and you don't have to think about those who expect you to. You're not falsifying the testimony of your life by choosing a new one. You are expanding your life.
I saw myself for who I was. I hated it. I hated me. That's not a place to linger in, my friend. That is a place to spur us to action in a new direction. It was not easy. I repeat, IT WAS NOT EASY. To admit and confess and open up and reveal was miserable. Painful in the most excruciating way. But it was right. It was right for me to do, and it was right for those that I love. It was right for the world around me.
2. "1.) The truest thing about God is what He says about Himself, not what we think He is like. 2.) The truest thing about us is what God says about us, whether or not we believe it or 'feel' it to be true."
- Will Wyatt, Discovery
I think when I am on my death bed I will say that the knowledge that has taken me longest to learn is that God is not who I thought he was. He's not the God I was taught in my childhood. He is not the God I construct in my mind. He is not the God I assumed. He is so perfectly and uniquely himself and the sheer acknowledgement of that is the reason im alive right now. He is not who we think he is. He is who he says he is.
The second longest lesson will be who he says I am. I am among those who believe they are worthless in every way. Every. Way. If I were to describe to you the ways in which I believe that my taking up space on this planet is as useless and detrimental as the landfills we slowly suffocate it with, then I would only be giving you a glimpse of the opinion I have of myself. This is not a cry for sympathy. This is my reality. But, my reality can change. My reality can change and come to terms with God's. His reality looks very different than mine, and to say I feel the power, freedom of that in each day now is to say I feel transformation in a way that I've never felt it before.
These things move me forward. They have carried me through the last few months, and I suspect will be the mantra of my year in 2016. I want to break the patterns of my previous life, and create new ones. I want them to contrast as strongly as giving up a fast-food cheeseburger and eating only what you grow from the dirt (this is actually a bit literal in my life, but we'll keep that for another time). The essence of who I am, the person I buried under years of walls can emerge in a new way and in a beautiful way. I am loved. I am valued. I am strong. I will love, I will value and I will give strength.