Unapologetic

Me (taken by a friend), week of college graduation - Spring, 2010. 

Recently I had a fairly difficult conversation. Looking back on it now, I had a chance to avoid it and not really... "take the bait," for lack of better terminology. You see, I am fairly adept at avoiding topics that could cause friction. I have a mental list of topics to avoid that I review before visiting family and certain language to not use when I see particular friends. Don't mention politics, global warming, gay marriage, the state of the economy, the Black Lives Matter movement, the inerrancy of Biblical Scripture... Really, I could go on and on.  It's been that way as long as I can recall. 

In college I watched friends with bold beliefs and feelings declare them proudly. Madly in love with someone, their art would proclaim their feelings. Shouting acceptance of any lifestyle or persuasion or creed, they would share their thoughts and beliefs openly. More than a few times I envied their bravery. They never made me afraid, but I was afraid of my own uncertainty. While they were declaring what they were learning or had learned about the world, I was questioning everything I had believed. I was raised with some essential, world-view cementing beliefs. For instance, the world is at max 6,000 years old, according to Young Earth Creationists. And in my education and the worldview I had been taught, that was a hill to die on when it came to hearing out other perspectives or scientific data. I went to college and internally scoffed at my freshman biology professor for explaining the actual age of our planet. Im not proud of it. I'd even call my parents and talk about how I was being "fed lies." What I wish I had done was be a little more open minded and a little less of a jerk. But in Meagan's mind at that time, the earth was young, God made man to want only women, and having babies is a definitive requirement of marriage. 

So, let's go back to that difficult conversation I mentioned (and I do promise this is all going somewhere). That conversation was one of the first times in my life that I didn't stop myself from being honest about my beliefs and thoughts. That new level of honesty was hard, and made more painful, complex by the fact that I was expressing directly to the people who had essentially given me that worldview that I'd once held so piously sacred– My parents. I've rarely gone to my parents and purposefully contradicted the beliefs we once shared, and even gone to fairly extreme measures to avoid possible situations that would bring those beliefs up. Yet that day, at that time, during that difficult conversation, on that phone call I had that conversation. The conversation that came to the point of passionate disagreement and their voices getting louder, and louder on the other end of the line. I knew I could have avoided it, and I knew that I could just stop talking. Silence is a big ally in keeping the illusion of peace intact. But on that day, I decided not to be silent. 

What I shared with them wasn't all that "out there" or in contradiction to what they hold sacred. In fact, what I said I thought was fairly tame for what I hold sacred in my life.  Perhaps it was tame, but nonetheless it was not well accepted. The conversation went south. I held my own. I was respectful. I began to tear up, and felt the reigns on my emotions slip. So, I quietly told them how disappointed I was at their at response, that I loved them and I hung up. It wasn't at all a moment in my life I particularly want to re-live or repeat, but I felt proud of myself. Proud that I wasn't silent, didn't avoid and was finally honest about some aspect of my set of beliefs that I know to be right. Not unmovable, not inflexible, not rigid, but right. What we learn today changes how we live tomorrow. It doesn't mean we were wrong yesterday, but it does mean we have new knowledge to be responsible for. We don't have to apologize. We can unapologetically grow our beliefs and our thoughts as we move through life. Dare I say we should do that?

The title of this bit of writing is "Unapologetic." I plan on writing more on this topic where I unapologetically explain my beliefs and perspective on some specifics that I really hold dear. To be honest, I am nervous to do so because there is so much I don't know, haven't learned and haven't touched first hand. With that caveat, I think it is time for me to stop being silent, if for no other reason than to feel that sense of letting go of an illusion.